Core Principle #4: Nurture Your Relationships

Here’s an excerpt from an article I read recently:

I am a hospice chaplain. I visit people who are dying – in their homes, in hospitals, in nursing homes. And if you were to ask me the same question: What do people who are sick and dying talk about with the chaplain? I, without hesitation or uncertainty, would give you the same answer: Mostly, they talk about their families: about their mothers and fathers, their sons and daughters.

They talk about the love they felt, and the love they gave. Often they talk about love they did not receive, or the love they did not know how to offer, the love they withheld, or maybe never felt for the ones they should have loved unconditionally.

They talk about how they learned what love is, and what it is not. And sometimes, when they are actively dying, fluid gurgling in their throats, they reach their hands out to things I cannot see and they call out to their parents: Mama, Daddy, Mother.

We don’t live our lives in our heads, in theology and theories. We live our lives in our families: the families we are born into, the families we create, the families we make through the people we choose as friends.

This is where we create our lives, this is where we find meaning, this is where our purpose becomes clear.

On your deathbed, you won’t be thinking about work or money or some social cause.  You’ll be thinking about your family and friends.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to spend those last hours in regret.

The brave new life is all about achieving a peaceful and joyful state of mind, and having good relationships is a requirement to achieve this.  Because of this, it’s important to not only enjoy your relationships, but also to actively nurture them.  Just as a garden won’t flourish without proper nourishment, neither will your relationships.

There are many ways to nurture a relationship, but I think there are a few fundamental ways that will work regardless of the type of relationship.  Whether it’s your parents, spouse, kids, boss, friend or neighbor – these 8 methods will always make your relationship stronger:

  1. Use open and honest communication
  2. Be flexible and willing to compromise
  3. Be reliable
  4. Offer emotional support
  5. Make situations more fun
  6. Be quick to offer forgiveness and to ask for forgiveness
  7. Admit your mistakes
  8. Respect the person

Just as frugality, self-sufficiency, and the other core principles each require deliberate effort, so does nurturing your relationships.  It’s important to look at each relationship that you value, and reflect on whether you are properly nurturing it. Be honest with yourself about it.

And the benefits of having good relationships aren’t limited to just the satisfaction of having good friends and family.  Much like the other core principles, nourishing and having good relationships intertwines with the other principles of the brave new life.  Having good friends and family that you can rely on (and who can rely on you) is a widening of your self-sufficient community.  Need a baby-sitter?  There’s no need to pay, you can just have your neighbor watch your kids tonight, and you can do the same for her tomorrow night.  Your car AC isn’t working? There’s no reason to pay $100 for an anonymous mechanic to add refrigerant, your buddy knows how to do it and he’ll do it for a 6-pack of beer.  I’d surely prefer sharing beers in the driveway with a buddy over paying $100 to sit in the mechanics lobby.  This is communal self-sufficiency at it’s best!

Conveniently, as you become more self-sufficient you’ll also be able to help your friends with things they are not yet self-sufficient at.  This, of course, will further strengthen that relationship.  Thus, a positive feedback loop is built.

The Visualization of the Brave New Life

As we continue with this series, we’ll see that positive and reliable relationships will further support future core principles.  For now, let’s take a look at how the brave new life is coming together.

(click to enlarge)

 


21 Responses to Core Principle #4: Nurture Your Relationships

  1. Shawn says:

    Your willingness to tackle difficult subject matter to most in these circles is brave. It is part of what keeps me coming back. Another part is that that you speak from having a family and the understanding that goes along with being a responsible patriarch. I am definitely INTJ but must let some “feeler” creep in to be a good husband and dad. This is an investment of sorts and will be the best or most profitable investment yet.

    The deathbed reference can have real time application as well. Last year, I looked at myself in real time and asked the question “Why?” Why are you not more nurturing with the relationships that matter than with your consumer/earning relationship? Those questions led to adjustments that I am still making but your 8 fundamentals closely mimic some of the things that I chose to and continue to address.

    1 Im fine there. Almost to a fault
    2 still working hard to change this
    3 I am ultra reliable to select others,but not always to self
    4 this is really tough for me. I see things in a cause effect manner again to a fault
    5 Even though tearing through a project with critical attention to detail is how I complete a task, Im not sure if that is the most fun way.
    6 Oh boy. Back to that Judging thing.
    7 Absolutely no problem here
    8 Thats tough

    #8 is tough as a whole. Pages could be written about the judgement of others here but Ill just say that I have a tough time finding people that I want to learn to respect and vice versa.

    Now the above being said….Its not just me! Since we decided to have children it is now my responsibility to do the best job I can to show my children how to best live in the world that we have brought them into. I have to try and help guide who they give and get respect from. Thats a mouthful. As I go back and read the 8 points without me and only my children’s well being in mind, well, it gets even more difficult.

    I fully support your original notion that relationships are likely the most important part of a joyous existence. As I push rewind on my life thus far, the most joyous times always correspond with a worthwhile relationship.

    There have been statements floating around lately about making a digital archive of certain sets of statement or posts. One poster even suggested that many of us post just to see our comments in print. This core principle set of 10 and the comments is really turning into something that I will want to revisit from time to time. I am not perfect as I break away from the herd and (re)reading posts like this certainly strengthens my push.

    • Thanks for sharing your honest evaluation, Shawn.

      Regarding #8, I used to struggle with this in the same way you describe. But about 2 years ago, I finally had this realization that the world would be a terrible place if everyone was like me. Not to say that I’m a bad person, just to say that groups, teams, communities, and the universe thrives off diversity in skills, priorities, and personalities. Where as I may be the guy at work that can keep the project on schedule, I’m never the guy that actually makes it fun to be there. The guy that makes it fun probably slows us down, but he also keeps the team spirited. We’re both important, and we can both learn from each other.

      This is just one example, but there are many more in all parts of my life. And with this realization, I learned to respect almost everyone. In almost every case, there is some enviable trait in a person that I can learn from. And so then how can I not respect them?

      Once you choose to find that trait and respect them for it, it opens the door for a better relationship. At least it has for me.

      (Full disclosure: I still really suck at 4, 5, and 6. But I’m working on it.)

    • Debbie M says:

      My mom taught me something that helps with the judgments. She said that everyone is doing the best they can. Their best may not be very good at that moment, but they are trying.

      So, it’s easy to decide someone is an idiot or a jerk. But it’s more fun to decide that the driver swerving all over the road just discovered a bee in their car.

      And it’s fun to assume that everyone is doing well, but some of the people around you have headaches or arthritis or are mourning or are worrying–these are handicaps that are hard to see but which can make it harder to do as well as we’d like. Of course other people also have different priorities than we do, and it’s definitely more fun to hang with (and easier to respect) people who have similar priorities to ours.

  2. As I get older, I’ve been thinking more and more about the legacy I will leave when I’m gone. We interact with so many other human beings on a daily basis and I want to leave a positive impact and be a source of light in the lives of others. Spending time with friends and family is one thing that brings me a lot of fulfillment.

    This has been a fantastic series and I look forward to reading the rest of it!

  3. Krantcents says:

    I definitely do not want to have any regrets. I usually try to make every day count so I won’t have any.

  4. Chris says:

    I try to use your intro example from time to time to keep myself in the correct frame of mind. I picture myself on my deathbed and wonder, “what will be most important looking back.” It’s never work or how much I worked, or how well I kept the house, it’s always quality, life experiences with family that I suspect I’ll treasure most.

  5. steveinfl says:

    This entry really makes me reflect. I really suck at #5. I too serious most of the time.

    My idea of fun seems much different than others. Fun for me is focused, intense activity or calm, meditative activity.

    Examples are intense interval workouts, working on a tough project, walking the dog leisurely in the park, reading or just doing a nightly inventory of my day.

    I need to work on making things fun for those around me. Often I think of traditional “fun” as stupid, uninteresting or at best silly.

    I have to come back to reread this post twice already and expect to revisit it many more times in 2012.

    • Sounds like you’re a prototypical INTJ, as am I.

      I have the same ideas of fun as you, the problem is that it’s usually internalized fun which does nothing for others. My kids help me to bring it external, and I try to use that as momentum in other relationships in my life. I won’t claim to be good at it, although now that I recognize it I’m pretty sure I’ve made progress.

  6. Poor Student says:

    I would argue that this is the most important aspect of living a good life (you created the brave new life so you get to decide what is important to it).

    It is one of the assumptions of sociology that man is a social creature by nature. If the cavemen tried to live alone they surely would not survive. It is ingrained in us to treat others kindly because the early ancestors of man who were friendly had the greatest chances of surviving and reproducing. This is still very true today.

    But as society becomes more advanced (not a bad thing mind you) people are better able to get along while treating others poorly. Treating others as you would like to be treated is the golden rule because it has lead us to where we are as a society and because it is built into humans to be kind I believe that a worthwhile life is impossible.

  7. But as society becomes more advanced (not a bad thing mind you)

    You sure about that?

    • Poor Student says:

      Humans are utilizing the world in ways never dreamed of. Family on the other side of the world are just a phone call, email, plane ride away.

      We live longer than ever. Diseases that were not even diagnosable are now curable. Heck, when Magic Johnson was diagnosed with HIV 20 years ago that was considered a death sentence. He is very much alive today.

      While there ha been what can be thought of as steps back in evolution (Jersey Shore, the Kardashians) there are examples every day of humans achieving great things.

  8. Philip says:

    It’s a real treat when you find other people in the same head space! If I may I’ll focus on the deathbed analogy as a tool for sharpening ones focus on how to act now.

    A few months back I got to thinking it would make a lot of sense to find out from people who are dying what they thought was ultimately important. Sounds morbid when I right it down, but we are trained to find successful examples in other fields and then to emulate them. And one of the top question asked of successful business people (I read a lot in this area) is…”if you were to go back and do it again, what would you do differently?”. Its meant as a segue into how they would advise someone starting out. But holds the same importance for finding out about living the ‘good life’.

    So anyway I turned to google (as one does) and came across a recently published book by an Australian palliative care nurse about this very topic. I thought I’d share it here because you might enjoy it and it ties in with the underlying idea behind your principles (i.e. asking why or as you state it ‘question everything!)… http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html

  9. […] Core Principle #4 – Nurture Your Relationships […]

  10. Strahler says:

    Strahler…

    […]Core Principle #4: Nurture Your Relationships | Brave New Life[…]…

  11. Mikayla says:

    My mother died when I was 14 years old after being sick for several years. My mom’s main theme on what her life missed out on was spending time with us. She said this to us many times and we felt that whatever she was doing that took her away from us, in the end, it wasn’t that important to HER happiness.

    That is important to be clear on that you need to do what contributes to YOUR happiness and those around you are are second. For my mom, it was the perception that she “should” be doing this or that, that she “should” be a career woman because it was the most admirable thing to do for her peers.

    I feel that my mom’s death is a gift in this way as I saw the person that I loved most tell me to do what you want to do in life and be happy because all life is is an internal feeling. That is all you can really “take” with you.

    As far as the 1-8 above, here is how I think I am at this point in time:

    1. For the most part, I feel that I follow my conscience with telling the truth to others. I am an honest person. This has improved as I have realized that I am happy when I know that I am honest with others and feel horrible when I am not.
    2. This one oddly isn’t very good for me. I think it is from the fact that I think one should follow their own path and thus, compromising feels like you are compromising your own way. But with children now, I don’t blink an eye. And with my husband, I try to be a team player but it isn’t my default choice if left up to me.
    3. I am reliable but not always on time. I will do what is asked to the best of my ability but the fact that life has many factors going at you at once, I am not always able to get it done on time. But it will get done as I have happiness invested in having others trust me.
    4. For my child, I am there 100%. For my husband, I feel I do listen to him and I am there. I am not sure how I display it to him but I have asked him while I am writing this. For myself, I have gotten much better over the years on honoring what I am and what I need. I have been more involved with nourishing myself and my special needs by partaking in groups of like people. I really have a win on that as I haven’t done that at all until the last year or so. I am getting a lot of wins from it too and feel great!
    5. As I have chosen to be home with my daughter while doing some work on the computer, we have organized home schooling for my daughter. Being around my daughter, she gives me the reminder to be fun and light. Not to be serious and deep, which I think is more of my nature. I look at my daughter has a teacher for me to be better in this point. My husband, has expanded my abilities by introducing skills in my life, such as hiking, cooking, etc, that I wasn’t really doing before I met him and he has helped contribute to my range of having fun. But so I have to him, so it is a good match :)
    6. This is one of the most important wins in my life in the last year or so. I have forgiven my mother, my brothers and my uncle who wasn’t very nice to me. I realized that these people were just acting out their own fears on me and that they would want forgiveness from me. I understand now that forgiveness has released me to create my own life and use that experience as a teacher for what I don’t want and what I do want. Forgiveness is a gift to being able to start over but your head space has to be right for it to stick. My head space for it is that I was a child or younger at the time and now I learned better because of my experiences and that people are basically good and are seeking to survive and not to hurt me. I am in control now and I decide to let go of the attachment of the hate, fear, etc. and let it ride down the river.
    7. I am a Scientologist and in auditing, I have realized that my mistakes are those that affect me most, not the mistakes of others. It is what I am or did do that is most damaging to me. Therefore, instead of blaming others, which I do less of now, I try to think best about the situation at hand before doing something. The other thing I have learned, is that you will make mistakes and being flexible with yourself to be able to make mistakes and say, ok, I made a mistake and how can I be better for it? This lets you be human in life and not get too serious when you do make a mistake and then look at it has a win.
    8. I actually am pretty good at this as I realize that people have the god-given right to live their lives they way they want or that contribute the most to their happiness. If someone has to cut me off to make themselves feel better, that’s ok. If someone has to do a drug to help their condition, that’s their choice, it’s their body. If someone has to talk about others negatively to feel better about their lives, ok. I don’t subscribe to all of these habits but the basic is that it is their choice and let them have it. I want others to respect me in what I choose because a life living for another, isn’t really living life. If you take anything from reading this blog post, take this: Live your life in your own way, that is the only success. But make sure your own way is the way in which you are happy. Not what a theorical happiness, but you are actually happy and content inside. Sometimes, being happy, isn’t always what others think it should be.

  12. […] We’re friends, so I knew he wouldn’t take this as me saying he’s a bad dad.  In fact he’s a great and loving dad of 2-year old twins, which then led me to my final argument.. Core Principle #4, Nurture Your Relationships. […]

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